Social dad is the cool new name for the cool new stepfather.And he’s probably just as good a dad as the biological one – even better, perhaps. A study by Lawrence M Berger of the University of Wisconsin-Madison in the US says that a man who is ‘married to or cohabiting with the child’s mother, but is not the biological father’ – a social father – is trusted more and may be better with the child in terms of parenting.
And examples abound. The new kid on the block, Imran Khan, has one, for instance – actor Raj Zutshi. In a recent interview, Imran said that his real father, Anil Pal, lives and works in the US.
“Dad is a software engineer who has been living in the US for 25 years now. My parents got divorced when I was one-and-a-half years old. Practically speaking, I have no memories of when my parents were married to each other,” he said. So who was his father figure, then? “It was my stepfather, Raj Zutshi,” he said. Zutshi and Nuzhat got divorced a couple of years ago. DT asks other social dads and their spouses if they make good fathers...
My man, my kid’s dad
Actress Maninee De Mishra, who married actor Mihir Mishra, says that the strong bond between Mihir and her daughter is the result of the effort that they both made in the initial stages of the relationship. She says, “I wanted to facilitate an understanding between Mihir and Dianoor. Mihir’s decision to be with Dia and me was voluntary, but for Dia, it wasn’t. In such a relationship, it’s important to ensure that the child doesn’t suffer. Fortunately, I can take no credit for the crackling chemistry the two share. I had never seen Mihir cry, but the first time Dia called him papa, his eyes welled up and he told me how overwhelmed he was. Right from the beginning, the mother should clarify her stance and say that she and her kids are a package deal. Once, I got home to find Dia and Mihir in fits of laughter at a cartoon film they were watching. That moment proved how close they are as a father-daughter duo.”
Actress Pooja Bedi also says that ex-boyfriend Hanif Hilal was a great dad to her kids. “I don’t let my relationships come home unless I’m ultra-serious about them,” she says. “If I get to know that the man isn’t comfortable with my kids, he is rejected from my life too. Though Hanif and I aren’t together anymore, it’s been a wonderful experience with him. He helped my kids with homework and took them to their classes. He was always there. In fact, if my daughter Alia was sick, he was the one who rushed her to the doctor. Though he was involved with an older woman, he undertook a father’s responsibilities and executed them well. He loved my kids unconditionally.”
And the dads say, of course we’re good
The social dads say that there are a host of factors that make them good parents. Says Mihir, “Social fathers try harder to seek the child’s approval, and often end up forging a great bond. Moreover, the father is mentally prepared to adapt to the situation and the child’s needs and expectations. One can’t force a relationship, but one can always work to make it a success. You can either strike a chord with the child, or fail – there’s no third option. For me, the adapting was simpler since Dia also took the initiative. Now, we are best friends and the worst enemies!”
Image guru Dilip Cherian is also a social father to his wife Devi’s children. “Indian society is going through a change in areas of marriage,” he explains. “Social fathers are probably more ready and competent to bring up their wife’s kids, and they also try harder to meet their expectations. For some biological fathers, fatherhood may be a social compulsion, but for social fathers, it’s a mature choice. Marrying a lady with kids means knowing exactly what you’re getting into. Biological fathers may also be too young to handle the responsibility and may lack the time and experience of life that a man entering a later stage of fatherhood may have. In such relationships, credit also goes to the children who may have gone through the phase of missing a father figure in their lives and are more than ready to adjust to the new person coming into the family.”
Devi seconds her husband’s views. “Social fathers are much, much better because both the father and the kids make an effort to accept each other. There is this sense of comradeship – children feel that their mother may be hurt if they don’t accept the man as their father figure and the man would never want his wife to feel that since the kids are not his, he isn’t interested. And so both, the father and the children, go out of their way to try and get along. In due course, the child will start doing things that his/her father does. It may be as simple as starting to eat sushi because their father likes it, but these things make the father say, ‘They are looking up to me and I must not fail them’.”
What about the stepmoms?
However, Pooja gives the issue a slightly different twist. “It’s great to give stepfathers the oh-so-cool tag of ‘social’ fathers! But what about the tag of ‘evil’ that stepmothers have? Poor stepmoms – they’ve been considered evil since the time the fairytales, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, came about. I guess the social fathers bit should’ve happened for women first. Moms put a lot of effort into child rearing and that should be respected. This kind of undoes what mothers have been doing all this while. Get the title for women first! Fairytales have done enough harm,” she says.
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